Firing someone humanely: the script, the severance math, the reference policy

If you have decided to terminate someone, your job is to do it with the maximum dignity the law and the business allow. That is not the same as being soft. It is the opposite — softness here, in the form of a hedging, apologetic, or negotiable conversation, is what produces the worst outcomes for everyone.

Before the conversation

1. The decision is final. If it is not final, do not have this meeting — do a PIP, a coaching plan, or a redeployment instead.
2. Two people in the room: the direct manager delivers the message, HR (or a second leader) witnesses and handles logistics. Same gender as the employee where possible reduces escalation risk.
3. Pick a private room with a door, mid-afternoon early in the week. Not Friday at 5pm (no support resources available), not Monday morning (ruins their week before they can act).
4. Pre-write three documents: (1) the termination letter with effective date and reason, (2) the separation agreement with severance terms, (3) the logistics one-pager (final pay date, benefits end date, equipment return, references contact, COBRA info).
5. Coordinate with IT: access revoked the moment the meeting starts, not before (premature lockout tips them off and is humiliating) and not after (data risk).
6. Have the comms plan ready for the team within 2 hours of the meeting ending.

The 8-minute script

Read this almost verbatim. Improvisation here is where people get hurt — including the person delivering the message.

Severance math

Severance is a negotiation between three things: the cost of the release (you are buying a waiver of legal claims), the market norm for the role and tenure, and the cost of doing it badly (reputation, Glassdoor, alumni network). The default formula most US tech companies converge on:

• Always continue health benefits through the severance period (or subsidize COBRA). This is the single most valued component for the employee.
• Pay out accrued, unused PTO where state law requires (CA, MA, NE always; many others if policy says so).
• Pro-rate any earned but unpaid bonus or commission. Withholding this is the #1 cause of post-termination lawsuits.
• Outplacement services ($1,500–$5,000 for individuals, much cheaper as a layoff bundle) are high-ROI: they reduce litigation, speed re-employment, and show in alumni reviews.

Release & ADEA timing

If you are offering severance in exchange for a release of claims, US federal law (OWBPA, amending the ADEA) requires:

• For employees 40 or older: 21 days to consider (45 days if it is a group termination), and 7 days to revoke after signing.
• Written disclosure of the job titles and ages of everyone in the ‘decisional unit’ who was and was not selected, for group terminations.
• Plain-English language and an explicit right to consult an attorney.

Same-day logistics

• IT revokes access (email, Slack, GitHub, VPN, SSO) at the start of the meeting — to the second.
• Calendar invites: cancel theirs, reassign meetings they owned.
• Active deals/projects: triage list goes to their manager within 1 hour.
• Personal items: offer to ship, or schedule an after-hours pickup with HR.
• Final pay: in many states (CA, MA, CO) must be paid the day of termination. Have a check ready.
• Benefits letter: COBRA election form within 14 days (US).
• Equipment return kit: prepaid shipping label, instructions, deadline.

Reference policy

Adopt and enforce a ‘neutral reference’ policy: HR or a designated number confirms only name, title, and dates of employment. Anything more — even glowing — creates inconsistency that becomes defamation/tortious-interference risk.

• If a manager wants to give a personal reference, they do so in their personal capacity (personal email/phone, not company), and only after the employee has formally listed them as a reference.
• For severance-eligible departures, you can include in the agreement: ‘Company agrees to provide a neutral reference per policy.’ Do not promise positive references in writing — you cannot enforce what individual managers say off-record.

What you tell the team

Within 2 hours. A short, factual message — not a eulogy, not a celebration.

“‘Alex is no longer with the company as of today. We thank them for their contributions and wish them well. Their work is being picked up by [name] in the short term, and we’ll share a longer plan by Friday. Please direct any client questions to [name]. I’m not able to share more about the circumstances out of respect for Alex’s privacy.’”

• Never explain the reason — even for cause. ‘Out of respect for privacy’ is the universal close.
• Have 1:1s booked for anyone on the team who is likely to be rattled (best friend, direct report, co-lead). Within 24 hours.
• Watch for the second-wave departures. One termination, done badly, triggers 2–3 regretted attritions within 90 days.

Top 10 mistakes

1. Delivering it alone — legal and emotional risk for both sides.
2. Friday afternoon termination — no support resources available over the weekend.
3. Letting the conversation drift into debate or feedback.
4. Apologizing for the decision (vs. for the difficulty).
5. Offering ‘to be a reference’ without a policy.
6. Telling the team the reason, even vaguely (‘performance issues’).
7. Forgetting accrued PTO or bonus pro-rata.
8. Pressuring an ADEA-eligible employee to sign in the room.
9. Walking them out of the office in front of colleagues.
10. Not following up with the manager 48 hours later — they often spiral more than the employee.